We must teach our children that conflict is normal, although it can be uncomfortable, it is also natural.  How we handle conflict can be functional, dysfunctional, productive, or destructive.  Our children automatically learn how to resolve conflict by watching how parents solve problems.

Our children speak in our language.  They do not hear what we say, they hear what we do.  They speak in the adult way and shadow our behavior.

Example:
If a child hears a parent yelling to resolve a problem then that child will mimic the behavior as well.  

When a child is in the early stages of behavioral development it is imperative that parents coach that child to promote positive conflict resolution.

Example:
If your child wants a toy from another child and snatches it away from the other child, it is important to not only correct your child, it is important to illustrate and explain.

Here is a formula that will help you resolve conflict in a positive way that benefits parents personally and serves as a role model for your child. 

Break it Down – Explain and Define
You must break down the steps for conflict resolution and explain the benefits.  Telling children how to handle a situation is not enough, breaking down the steps provide purpose, gives the child a sense of understanding, and promotes positive conflict resolution skills.

Model – Role Playing & Role Model
Once you explain and define the steps of positive conflict resolution, you must allow your child to model out the steps.  This affirms that your child understands. 

Example:
When you witness your child  being confronted with a problem use that opportunity to coach your child though resolving the situation.

You can also utilize situations you witness from reading or see by asking questions that prompt a dialog to cause your child to develop and build positive conflict resolution skills.

I had a situation that happened with my oldest daughter recently.  She did not want to do something that made her feel uncomfortable and felt “confrontational” to her.  We discussed the situation and I allowed her to go through the formula, which in turn helped her to resolve the problem in a healthy way.

Conflict Management is a problem solving process.  Defining the problem and underlying issues are key:

• State the facts of how you feel - confronting does not have to be confrontational
• Tell how it made you feel - getting in touch with your feelings
• State what you want – this does not mean you are always going to get what you want
• Brainstorm options for action – think
• Gain an agreement - going forward how you will handle future situations that is a formula for solving conflict positive

Parents’ conflict management style influences their children.  Parents must communicate, listen, and speak in a way that is an effective exchange of their feelings and facts, by actively listening, using non-defensive behavior, and language along with articulating their  view of the situation.  We have to teach our children by example.

“Every seed planted grows into something”
---- Ken Canion